Haven't read this book, but the title does seem to be pretty self-explanatory ... wonder what the book discusses though ...
Life's getting seemingly tough, to live through that is ... almost everyday I have to go through the painful dilemma of deciding whether to just take everything the way it is, and hoping that it's gonna be alright, or just end it all then and there ...
I have to say this, though, that I haven't yet seen a greater optimist than myself. And then I wonder ... is my optimism just the weak man's Gandhi ? I have no answer ... how far into the future is it safe to worry about, when the present is running in for the kill ? again, I don't have a clue ... one solace I find in this torrent of though-waves is the fact that there must be millions who are worse off than me ... and they must be just quietly struggling, not complaining about anything.
Am I mad ? I again don't know ... mebbe I am ... that makes me worse off than a madman, 'coz he doesn't know that he is mad ... but me, I think I am mad ... that's worse ...
I have parents that have made life hell for me ... that's relative ... there can be parents worse than mine ... of course, mine are just killing me everyday, psychologically ... and here I go on an altruist spree, not telling them anything they don't want to hear, 'coz mebbe they won't accept it or they'll just be crushed under their own conscience ... mebbe they don't think that deeply ...
I need a lot of time with myself ... but at home there are rules, obligations ... I can't complain abt the food 'coz there are ppl in this world who don't have any to eat ... I can't do it b'coz I have no status, as my dad says ... I have to do things exactly the way they want me to, 'coz they are spending their money, hard-earned money, through their blood, to keep me alive ... I have been given the ultimatum : live exactly as they want me to, or leave the house for good.
I don't know what to decide ... I have an option of my own ... I can say I now know why people commit suicide ... this is one thing I can't do ... 'coz there are dreams I have to fulfil ... 'coz I don't want to be labeled a loser, if i do ... 'coz I am an optimist ... 'coz mebbe I have become so (comfortably) numb, that it doesn't matter to me anymore how I live as long as I live ... ahh, that song ... has one of the most soulful guitar solos I have heard ... the first one ... I can feel the pain in it ...
on top of this, I just broke up with my girl-friend a couple of months ago ... loved her more than anything in this world ... she found me too possessive ... hah, and I'm still alive ... I had gone all the way to Delhi to make her change her decision ... but to no avail ... I was all alone out there, a complete psychological mess ... I could have easily killed myself ... but there's something that doesn't want me to ... makes me see the better things in life ... makes me dream ... that's my solace ... my dreams ... I can always wander off in my dreams ... it's so nice ... and I always find her there, waiting for me ... talking to me ...
am I getting schizophrenic ? ... heh ... mebbe ...
how long will this guy live, you think ... seriously, I don't know ... something/someone somewhere wants me to see/go through every pain in life ...
mebbe I won't be alive to write the next post ...
naah, I have promises to keep , and miles to go before I sleep ... even though throughout I weep ...
